Sunday, May 30, 2004

This is the pure zone

I've been reading through my "thought book" from this past year, and have come across some interesting remarks that really foreshadow (ironically) what really took place over the course of this year.
"The thing is, I've made my own decision -- I'm not going to get into a committed, intense relationship this year...So this year I'm going to have my fun while it lasts because next year it's not going to matter anyway."
- excerpt from 9/11/03

"Why don't I just give up now, then, since it'll probably happen anyway and I'm just wasting my time now? Why? Four simple letters, my friends. Hope."
- excerpt from 9/21/03

"Honesty has become a huge thing with me. I tell the truth, the honest truth, to people all the time...In turn, I expect the honest, sometimes hurtful truth from everyone I come into contact with...
I think I'm becoming attached. I don't know if that's good or bad. The last time I became attached, it was a disaster. Come to think of it, the last 3 times I became attached ended in disaster...
We're growing up. It's strange. I still can't believe what's in store after graduation, when I'll be saying goodbye to childhood forever, as well as possibly several friends I've known practically since birth. I'd rather not think about it now, though...
People always say shows like Dawson's Creek are too dramatic and unrealistic, but I just can't help but disagree...Yes, it really is possible for someone that young to have that much drama in their lives...
We're all growing up way too fast. And yet, with some odd sort of clarity, it all seems to fit together and make sense."
- excerpt from 11/15/03

Sooooo ironic. It seems as if the things I predict end up getting turned around on me as the days progress. I've learned a lot. I've come such a long way this year. I'm just wondering now if that change has brought upon a person that I can like. Now I'm making predictions about college, how it'll be easier for me to find someone, but I still look at all of that with a sceptical perception. Who knows what lies ahead?
I've grown and learned so much this year just by living. My perceptions on life are radically changed as opposed to when I got home. Sometimes I feel more confused, sometimes I feel like I've gone backward, and I don't know if any of that's true. In any case, I'm moving forward.
I'm seeking some kind of...revival; some kind of intimacy, a joining, a partner, someone to share myself with. This kind of relationship is not always fun, trust me, but it's a step above what's normal...it's incredible.
Now we all know the words were true in the sappiest songs. Yes, yes...
- Death Cab for Cutie, "A Movie-Script Ending"

Saturday, May 29, 2004

I'll back you up

I remember thinking,
I'll go on forever only knowing I'll see you again
And I know the touch of you is hard to remember,
But like that touch, I know no other.
And for sure, we have danced in the risk of each other.
Would you like to dance around the world with me?

I'll be falling all about my own thing,
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung around my head.
And your lips burn wild,
Thrown from the face of a child,
And in your eyes the seeing of the greatest few.
Do what you will,
Always walk where you like your steps.
Do as you please; I'll back you up.

I remember thinking,
Sometime we walk, sometimes we run away.
But I know, no matter how fast we are running,
Somehow we keep up with each other
.
- Dave Matthews Band, "I'll Back You Up"

If you hold on tight to what you think is your thing, you may find you're missing all the rest.
- Dave Matthews Band, "Best of What's Around"

Don't I need that right now...

More to come as the day progresses...

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Would you like fries with that?!


Ahh! Posted by Hello

What a nice way to start off yet another blog entry!...erm...maybe not.
Just wanted to show you guys the..."closer" side of Liz. Enjoy it? Comments, people, comments!

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Oh, snap!

Wow, I just started screwing around with this photo deal, and look what it brought me!:


Senior picture, everyone! Posted by Hello

Pretty classy, eh?

In other news, well...the rest of this week should be a breeze. AP English is going to Cooperstown for an all-day field trip tomorrow, and I shall be accompanying them. Maybe I'll see my grandma, if we go to Fenimore House, where she works as a secretary.
Today I had about 1/4 day of school, although I didn't do any "learning" the whole day, per se. Like I said before, we had the National Honor Society Induction Ceremony. It went pretty well, and I got the rest of the rainy day off, which I spent by driving over to Brant's to get him to sign a paper for the Lock-In following Prom, and to pick up a check for his mom for all the stuff I paid for regarding Prom (tickets, party bus, etc.). I ended up staying longer than I'd expected, which was awesome. Chris and I just sat and talked about everything, as usual. It was awesome, one of those spontaneous moments with awesome people where you just concentrate your whole attention on that one person for a whole two hours or so. It blew my mind. Ah, the chemistry of it all!
My life has been extraordinary,
Blessed and cursed and won.
Time heals but I'm forever broken
By and by the way...
Have you ever heard the words I'm singing in these songs?
It's for the [guy] I've loved all along.
Can a taste of love be so wrong? --

As all things must surely have to end
And great lovers will one day have to part.
I know that I am meant for this world,
And in my mind as I was floating far above the clouds,
Some children laughed, I'd fall for certain
For thinking that I'd last forever,

But I knew exactly where I was,
And I knew the meaning of it all,
And I knew the distance to the sun,
And I knew the echo that is love,
And I knew the secrets in your spires,
And I knew the emptiness of youth,
And I knew the solitude of heart,
And I knew the murmurs of the soul.

And the world is drawn into your hands,
And the world is etched upon your heart,
And the world so hard to understand
Is the world you can't live without.
And I knew the silence of the world...

- Smashing Pumpkins, "Muzzle"

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

This is just, well...me

Artistic
You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song [or, in my case, all three!]. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy [this is true], yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

...Holy crap. :-O

By the way, one of the best Strong Bad Emails came out today!

Looking for America

I'm empty and aching and I don't know why, counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike. They've all come to look for America...
- Simon and Garfunkel, "America"

I've gone on a search for America, as well as myself. Does this mean, then, that my very ideals embody America itself, and by looking for one I might find the other, or both in one? Hmm...Quite deep.

This weekend should prove to be very worth it. I'm glad to have time back to myself. Baby Boomer's is closed from Saturday through Monday, and we have school off from Friday to Monday. I don't have to work all week, so all those days are free for me. Freedom...that's all I really want...to be myself, to be in control. This week, I'm (to a greater extent than normal) in control. Freedom...isn't that America? I want me...I want America...So I'll search for them both.

I was probably one of the first people to submit my schedule for the Fall 2004 Semester at SU. I actually got a call from someone there regarding my choices. I wasn't aware that they'd already received the papers until today. They already graded my math aptitude test, too, and were pleased with the results. If they're pleased, then so am I.

I've been coming to terms with a better mental image of myself. If people (alright, I'll admit it: "people," meaning especially guys) pay attention to me, I'm happy and feel good about myself. If I'm rejected a lot, I feel terrible. Rejection -- my worst fear, the most painful thing in this world.

Final concert tonight at school. I am so sick of school concerts. Luckily, tonight, they'll all be over for me. Tomorrow, it's my time to shine at the National Honor Society induction ceremony, where I'll play "Master of Ceremonies" pretty much, since I'm the president. I'm playing piano that day, too, as everyone walks in. I'll make speeches, introduce people, etc. It'll be a good old, rousing Liz Petty Hour...?

Don't be us too shy, for knowing it's no big surprise that I will wait for you. I will wait for no one but you...- Dave Matthews Band

Monday, May 24, 2004

Something unpredictable

Die Welt shaut rauf zu meinem Fenster
Mit mueden Augen ganz staubig und scheu.
Ich bin hier oben, auf meiner Wolke.
Ich sehe dich kommen aber du gehst vorbei.
Doch jetzt tut's nicht mehr weh,
Nee, jetzt tut's nicht mehr weh
Und alles bleibt stumm und kein Sturm kommt auf, wenn ich dich sehe.

Es ist vorbei. Bye-bye Junimond...

Zweitausend Stunden habe ich gewartet.
Ich habe sie alle gezaehlt und verflucht.
Ich habe getrunken, geraucht und gebetet.
Habe dich flussauf- und flussabwaerts gesucht.

- Echt, "Junimond"

You say you'd like a translation? Well...ok.
The world looks on into my window
With tired eyes, quite dusty and shy.
I'm up here on my cloud.
I see you coming, but you just go on by.
Still, it doesn't hurt anymore.
No, it doesn't hurt anymore
And everything stays calm and no storms come over me when I see you.

It's over. Bye-bye, June moon.

I've waited for two thousand hours.
I've counted and cursed them all.
I've drunken, smoked, and prayed.
I've searched for you up and down the riverside
.

A nice, melancholy, lonely song. Sounds familiar...

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Something borrowed, something blue (every me and every you)

"They don't even know what it is to be a fan. You know, to love some silly little piece of music or some band so much...that it hurts." - Fairuza Balk, Almost Famous

Such an awesome movie, combining the best aspects of life: journalism, the 70s, and classic rock and roll.

Speaking of rock and roll, I went to a UW concert last night at their usual spot, The Club. They played well, as usual. It's hard to believe I was once a part of that band. They've changed a lot since the old Stonewall days. Things were going well until...well, until fate came back to slap me in the face. I haven't been the same since. Actually, I haven't been the same for about the past two months.
And I, I beat out the best I ever knew. And the rest? Here we are, in the flesh.
- Underwater Wheelchair

Work schedule for this week:
Why is it empty, you ask? I wonder that just about as much. I'm starting to worry that I might not quite meet the standards of my bosses. They ask me to "pick up the pace," but that only leads to more mistakes on my part, because I end up freaking out from a system overload. I have to think things out before I act; I can't just fire away without some sort of consideration of what exactly it is that I have to do. So then they tell me I'm not allowed to make any more mistakes, yet to continue picking up the pace. That just isn't possible with me, no matter how hard I try. Let's face it: I wasn't cut out for fast action. I was made to ponder and consider, then reponder and reconsider every aspect of everything. Three more months of this and then I'll be home free. At least you can choose your own hours for the most part in Work Study. You're also limited to a 9-hour work week...piece of cake.
I feel that society as a whole has let me down. I used to have such a great image of it all, while I was in Germany and the few months after I came back. During the course of this year, I've shrunken back into myself, realizing yet again that the world is a cruel, hurtful place. It's kind of sad; I've seen the world and saw it as beautiful, yet now while I'm confined to the isolation of life in small-town Americana, I get this negative, cold view of the world. Maybe it's just because I'm in a vulnerable, hurt position to begin with. It was like that before I left two summers ago, too. It's all such a vicious cycle: You decide to open up after a long year's hibernation and retreat into yourself because of last year's hurtful experience, and then someone wonderful comes along who changes your perspective on life, love...on everything. You have your time with them, they leave you, and you end up in the same, vulnerable and hurt position that you started out in, retreating back into the womblike sanctuary of yourself until you decide to open up once again. This all spreads itself out over the course of a few years. I don't know how long it'll take this time. All I know is that I'm tired of waiting. It's time to quit waiting around and start moving.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

Anyone for vodka?

Yeah, yeah, I know this is the same day as my last post (although I was at school at the time and now I'm home), but I just couldn't resist. Enjoy, ladies.

(I hope this doesn't qualify as Internet porn...:-O) I just thought it was funny -- and pretty nice, too. ;-)

"And we're off!"

I need some sort of inspiration for the summer, so that I can go to work on some sort of intelligent work of short fiction, just for fun.
I'm thinking the reason that no one's there for me when I'm down and that not many will stick up for me when I'm in the right but no one else will believe me is because that I don't have that many strong bonds with the friends I do have. I wish they would be stronger, but I don't really know how to go about making them so, especially with graduation looming around the corner. I'm at this crossroads; I can't accent that enough. There's nowhere I can go, and all I want to do is move. I need something to happen. Above all, and quite paradoxially, I need to maintain that innocence that we all once possessed, but are losing faster than the last bits of what is left that we can scrounge up. It's all some sort of odd cycle that I've been turning around in forever and want nothing more than to lose sight of.
The world lives for the weekend
And I watch as my weeks bleed right into them...

- Dashboard Confessional

I've been thinking so much about the future lately that I've lost sight of the here and now. I should really cherish what I have now and make some memories before heading off to make a jackpot of them.
Stay up and make some memories with us now.
Roll the red carpet out with friends
To whom, to love and roll on.
Our love is so right.
I won't waste a minute here tonight...

- Dave Matthews Band

Work tonight at 5:00. I'm hoping I'll only be there for about 4 hours. Tomorrow I work at 4:00, probably until closing at 10:00. Saturday I'm "on call" -- free night for me. Next week we're closed for Memorial Day Weekend. Basically my next 3 Saturdays are free.
Two weeks until prom.
My favorite Dawson's Creek episode (the one in the 2nd season where they all jump into the pool after studying for exams) was on today. I taped it.
No new Strong Bad E-mail this week. *Disappointment.*
I wonder what'll happen this Saturday...first it's off to "Kyle's Krazy Kookout" at Brookwood, then to the UW concert in Little Falls...hard to believe I was once a part of that band, albeit under another name. I need a band to be a part of, whether as singer, keyboardist, guitarist, bassist, or a combination of instrumentalist/vocalist. In any case, I want to write/record/perform songs, and I don't want to do it alone. Alone is never a good position to be in...
It's been an interesting week so far -- a new "rendezvous" might be in sight, if I play what cards I've been given correctly.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Assume the crash position...

I was named a "free spirit" this morning in homeroom. I just can't stay still. I have to move. I've been thinking a lot about this lately, especially in terms of college. SU is so big (at least 10,000 undergrads) that it'll be impossible to meet everyone in even one year. That means I'll be meeting new people all the time, something I live for. Brant taught me all about meeting new people and enjoying stuff like that...those old free spirits. It's too bad things had to change so much while I was overseas.
After becoming enlightened to the many possibilities of college and the freedom that awaits me in only two months, I unfortunately have a more negative view of the confining prison called high school. It's just like elementary school now: a playground whose main goal is to confine and imprison the younger students who attend. Attendance policy? Who needs it? Why can't it be like in Europe, where, if you don't come to school, it's your own fault and your grades will suffer instead of having to go through all the paperwork and hassle of sending letters home to students who don't attend classes, when their parents probably don't even care enough to read them or do anything about them anyway? Kids may be academically stupid these days, but when it comes to dodging rules, they always find a way. High school, therefore, has devoted itself to try to outsmart the antics of those crazy high school kids, when they should really be concentrating on finding out new ways to educate the buggers. Regents, New York State's answer to the problem of dumb kids, are a joke. They only test the "minimal requirement" that kids need to get through the class. Kids complain, still, that the Regents are too hard. I know, I've gotten good grades throughout my educational career, but hell, I haven't tried that hard to get them. People are too lazy and give up way too easily. It isn't that hard, people!
I'm sick of this playground. It's time to move on to the big leagues, where all the unintelligent people have, to an extent, been rooted out. If you go to college, the majority of the time you want to be there, therefore you are more willing to work and learn. Those are the kinds of people I'd rather associate myself with, as opposed to the shallow-minded, fashion-/trend-oriented high schoolers I find myself stuck with. Call me negative, but seeing the wonderful possibilities college will give me in two months, I'm inclined to believe that this is how high school really is. Maybe I feel this way because I'm one of the oldest students in the school at the time. Next year, I'll be one of the youngest. Here's to the future and looking ahead...however good it may look for me in college, it doesn't seem to bright so far for high schools.

Sunday, May 16, 2004

Be kind, please rewind

I can't exactly explain the kind of melancholy, bittersweet pleasure I get out of taking rides (whether from walking, bike riding, or driving) to places I've spent wonderful times with my friends at. One specific spot came to mind today as I sat on my porch at night, surrounded by candles and reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. This spot would be the train tracks by the Maytan Fishing Access Site. I remembered the time when Renshaw, Brant, Sky, and I went there about a week or so before I left for Germany two summers ago (hard to believe it's been that long already!). We flattened coins on the tracks from passing trains, waved at the drivers, walked along the stream underneath the tracks, made "straight talk about souls," as Kerouac would word it. It was a generally awesome evening with some of my best friends at the time. Unfortunately, two thirds of them have moved on to other things and have left me sitting in the past, remembering when we were all innocent and got along. I really miss those days. Some things never change, but I think that may be part of the problem. Some people (perhaps even myself included) are trying desperately to hold on to what once was there but what they fail to accept or even recognize is gone forever. It's like The Catcher in the Rye, where we're all trying to hold on to this vision of childlike innocence but the darkness and pitfalls of adulthood are approaching us faster than we'd like, and we're getting slowly overtaken by the undertow...
On top of all this, graduation is sucking me into the natural lull and "senioritis" that comes along with the anticipation of the date itself. I can't wait until graduation. I can't wait until it all ends, so that I can start anew. This happens every time something new comes along. I expect that I will be able to change myself in a way, but that never turns out the way I want it to. Your problems tying you down to your hometown always travel with you. They did in Germany, so they certainly will to Syracuse.
My grandparents are offering to pay $10,000 a year for college -- awesome!!! This basically means, my parents only have to pay $5,000 a year out of their own pockets. What an amazing opportunity -- I'm going to get the best at SU...my dreams are coming true.
I don't really understand how people seem to have all these dreams when they're kids, and yet when they graduate, those dreams seem to be cast aside. I myself have always wanted to be an exchange student, and I realized that dream. I also wanted to be a journalist for a long time, and now a miraculous stream of events has made it possible that that dream, too, will also be realized. I just don't know why it didn't turn out that way for anyone else -- I got veeeery lucky as far as financial aid is concerned, and now this...SU was my first choice, and I got it...it's all so strange how things work out.

The first season of Dawson's Creek rings bells...

I'm starting to believe that my life kind of mirrors the first season of Dawson's Creek -- not that I've gotten it on with a teacher before, however. Ick. Well, more than anything I think I resemble Dawson at these early stages of the show: emotional, unsure, kind of idealistic. Idealism...that's the part I really don't like about myself that I try to cover up with realism. I've been told I'm "not in touch with reality." What, am I going crazy now or something? Geez...
I don't know. I guess my recent failings to get over certain things just...I annoy people with my emotions, I guess. I can't keep things inside me; I need someone to listen. Writing helps to an extent. Then there comes the realization that I'm not really venting to something real, more like some abstract piece of paper on a computer screen. Bleh. The only thing writing on a computer is good for is prose and poetry -- and the occasional research paper...time to move on.
Went to a party (got out of work early tonight!) and performed a few songs in a little acoustic session. Needless to say, it sucked, haha. Well, the party didn't. I had fun. I noticed how bombastic and bubbly I can get, even when alcohol isn't in the picture. I think that when I drink I get more melancholy, and even more prone to the swings of emotions (mostly bad ones) than normally. What comes to mind is the time in Kiel with Sven and Tash...that was not an episode I care to repeat. Those had to be the worst let-down, hurtful feelings I've ever felt in my entire life. Of course, the alcohol in my system at the time probably didn't help matters at all...It's been awhile since I've had a drink, which is all right.
I couldn't bear to watch the beheading of the American civilian...I almost cried just listening to it and averting my eyes. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't understand how people, Americans or Iraqis or anyone could be so cold-hearted and vile. It's just evil.
Watched Quills today --finally. Sarah'll be proud of me. I agree, it was a great movie -- very sexually explicit, but hey, you all know I don't mind that. ;-)

Friday, May 14, 2004

A Blog on Blog?

From carrousing the thousands of blogs in this virtual world in all about 5 minutes, I've come to the conclusion that a blog can be anything you want it to be. It can be news/information, a "diary" of sorts (though I myself prefer to refer to them as "thought books"). I should probably start my own blog off by warning readers that I tend to write in stream-of-conscious, and many thoughts that I, in my own mind, correlate with one another, to the reader may make no sense at all. Yes, I, too, have the tendency to allude to certain issues at hand.
Still, a blog on blogs? Technically, this would be called a post on blogs. Still, I don't intend to devote the whole duration of this post to blogs themselves. There are much more interesting topics to discuss...but "blog?" Who gave it that term, anyway? Whenever I write it I sound like a member of some obscure, geeky secret society. It almost makes me want to retch even typing the word. I can't exactly explain why. The word is so ugly it just makes even my ears hurt when I read it.

Such are the dumb ponderings of one on the verge of adulthood. I can't wait until graduation.

...

Alright. From now on, I'm going to be completely honest. I don't want to come off sounding like some bombastic, snooty, sappy, drippy web geek. On the contrary, I'm not that. I'm...well, you can determine that for yourself.