Sunday, May 16, 2004

Be kind, please rewind

I can't exactly explain the kind of melancholy, bittersweet pleasure I get out of taking rides (whether from walking, bike riding, or driving) to places I've spent wonderful times with my friends at. One specific spot came to mind today as I sat on my porch at night, surrounded by candles and reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. This spot would be the train tracks by the Maytan Fishing Access Site. I remembered the time when Renshaw, Brant, Sky, and I went there about a week or so before I left for Germany two summers ago (hard to believe it's been that long already!). We flattened coins on the tracks from passing trains, waved at the drivers, walked along the stream underneath the tracks, made "straight talk about souls," as Kerouac would word it. It was a generally awesome evening with some of my best friends at the time. Unfortunately, two thirds of them have moved on to other things and have left me sitting in the past, remembering when we were all innocent and got along. I really miss those days. Some things never change, but I think that may be part of the problem. Some people (perhaps even myself included) are trying desperately to hold on to what once was there but what they fail to accept or even recognize is gone forever. It's like The Catcher in the Rye, where we're all trying to hold on to this vision of childlike innocence but the darkness and pitfalls of adulthood are approaching us faster than we'd like, and we're getting slowly overtaken by the undertow...
On top of all this, graduation is sucking me into the natural lull and "senioritis" that comes along with the anticipation of the date itself. I can't wait until graduation. I can't wait until it all ends, so that I can start anew. This happens every time something new comes along. I expect that I will be able to change myself in a way, but that never turns out the way I want it to. Your problems tying you down to your hometown always travel with you. They did in Germany, so they certainly will to Syracuse.
My grandparents are offering to pay $10,000 a year for college -- awesome!!! This basically means, my parents only have to pay $5,000 a year out of their own pockets. What an amazing opportunity -- I'm going to get the best at dreams are coming true.
I don't really understand how people seem to have all these dreams when they're kids, and yet when they graduate, those dreams seem to be cast aside. I myself have always wanted to be an exchange student, and I realized that dream. I also wanted to be a journalist for a long time, and now a miraculous stream of events has made it possible that that dream, too, will also be realized. I just don't know why it didn't turn out that way for anyone else -- I got veeeery lucky as far as financial aid is concerned, and now this...SU was my first choice, and I got's all so strange how things work out.


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