Sunday, May 23, 2004

Something borrowed, something blue (every me and every you)

"They don't even know what it is to be a fan. You know, to love some silly little piece of music or some band so much...that it hurts." - Fairuza Balk, Almost Famous

Such an awesome movie, combining the best aspects of life: journalism, the 70s, and classic rock and roll.

Speaking of rock and roll, I went to a UW concert last night at their usual spot, The Club. They played well, as usual. It's hard to believe I was once a part of that band. They've changed a lot since the old Stonewall days. Things were going well until...well, until fate came back to slap me in the face. I haven't been the same since. Actually, I haven't been the same for about the past two months.
And I, I beat out the best I ever knew. And the rest? Here we are, in the flesh.
- Underwater Wheelchair

Work schedule for this week:
Why is it empty, you ask? I wonder that just about as much. I'm starting to worry that I might not quite meet the standards of my bosses. They ask me to "pick up the pace," but that only leads to more mistakes on my part, because I end up freaking out from a system overload. I have to think things out before I act; I can't just fire away without some sort of consideration of what exactly it is that I have to do. So then they tell me I'm not allowed to make any more mistakes, yet to continue picking up the pace. That just isn't possible with me, no matter how hard I try. Let's face it: I wasn't cut out for fast action. I was made to ponder and consider, then reponder and reconsider every aspect of everything. Three more months of this and then I'll be home free. At least you can choose your own hours for the most part in Work Study. You're also limited to a 9-hour work week...piece of cake.
I feel that society as a whole has let me down. I used to have such a great image of it all, while I was in Germany and the few months after I came back. During the course of this year, I've shrunken back into myself, realizing yet again that the world is a cruel, hurtful place. It's kind of sad; I've seen the world and saw it as beautiful, yet now while I'm confined to the isolation of life in small-town Americana, I get this negative, cold view of the world. Maybe it's just because I'm in a vulnerable, hurt position to begin with. It was like that before I left two summers ago, too. It's all such a vicious cycle: You decide to open up after a long year's hibernation and retreat into yourself because of last year's hurtful experience, and then someone wonderful comes along who changes your perspective on life, love...on everything. You have your time with them, they leave you, and you end up in the same, vulnerable and hurt position that you started out in, retreating back into the womblike sanctuary of yourself until you decide to open up once again. This all spreads itself out over the course of a few years. I don't know how long it'll take this time. All I know is that I'm tired of waiting. It's time to quit waiting around and start moving.


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