Friday, December 17, 2004

Mistakes we knew we were making

This says everything just perfectly -- at least, it's what I hope to do.
So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home, slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be.

- Straylight Run, "Mistakes We Knew We Were Making"

This is also extremely fitting for my situation.
I can see
It took so long just to realize
I'm much too strong
Not to compromise.
Now I see what I am is holding me down.
I'll turn it around.

- Boston, "Don't Look Back"
I suppose you could say I'm finished with debauchery for awhile. Just for awhile, though.
It's strange how I want to come home, but now that I'm here, all I'm really doing is planning for a time when I could see my friends from school again. I'm definitely hoping to catch a flight to NYC to see Ivan and stay with Jeff. That would be wicked fun, especially since I've never spent time in the Big Apple with friends before. I was hoping to go to see the ball drop on New Year's Eve, but I doubt that'll happen.
I'm wondering what's going to develop when the marching band goes to Orlando in a couple days. I kind of wish I could be there with them -- even though I'm not even in the band. Then again, I've never been to Orlando -- let alone Florida -- before. I guess you could say I'm hoping for the best.
For the first time I was the "subject," of sorts, of someone's blog. Interesting. I don't really want to comment on it because, frankly, I'm not going to fight with anyone. I'm not in a competition, here. That just isn't how I operate. But...I'm scared about what could possibly happen. That's all I'll say. I'm scared. I suppose I'm just going to lay things down for the meantime, until my sky shines down a little brighter over me. One day...maybe things will work out after all.
I'm settling back into the "small-town" mentality, if you could call it that. I'm getting ready to see old friends from home and have to realize that they aren't my friends from school, therefore they need to be treated somewhat differently. Not better, not worse -- just differently. It's hard to explain. Jeff would just tell me that I live in a "hick town." Well, unfortunately, it's kind of true. I think I'm a girl raised in a hick town whose soul belongs in the city and the suburbs, where all the action is. I want to be where it all takes place -- I want to be the one who makes things happen, not the ones who sit around and watch it all unfold before their eyes.
It's time to play some piano, to lose myself between the keys and hammers and guts of the instrument and just evacuate my soul for awhile. It's time to reach satori at last.


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