Monday, March 14, 2005

Where did I go wrong with you?

Well, I guess what's done is done...Why do things always make more sense when I talk to him than when I think them through in my mind? I don't want to think that he's that logical, that he has all the answers, because that just isn't true. But still...
I mean, I don't think I need to loosen up more. Most people who know me would say I'm really chill and laid back. Maybe he just didn't know me well enough. Why did he ask me out that first night? He thinks I have all these skewed visions of myself. I really do see myself as a normal person. There are people out there so much more talented and beautiful than myself. My parents have reminded me of that fact time and time again -- more about the talented factor than the beautiful one, but still...
So maybe I am ridiculous and dramatic...but this is me. I can't very well change that now. I'm more than happy with who I am. I may be insecure, but sometimes you have to change yourself in order to fit in better with someone else's life. I do it all the time. But still...
Dorothy moves to click her ruby shoes
Right in tune with Dark Side of the Moon.
Someone, someone could tell me where I belong.
Be calm. Be brave. It'll be ok.
No more messing around or living underground
Or New Year's resolutions.
By this time next year, I won't be here ...

To tell you the truth, I've said it before,
Tomorrow I'll start in a new direction.
One last time these words from me
I'm never saying them again.
And I shut the light
And listen as my watch unwinds...

I know I've been half asleep;
I'm never doing that again.
I look straight at what's coming ahead
And soon it's gonna change in a new direction.
Every night as I'm falling asleep,
These words repeated in my head...

Voices calling from a yellow road
To come downstairs and say hello.
Don't be shy; just say hello...

Guster, "Come Downstairs and Say Hello"
(perfect song for a breakup...)
I'd just been feeling so trapped lately. I mean, one and a half months of arguing? Was I ever happy? Maybe at the beginning. I know I want to cry, but I just won't for some reason. I should be lamenting all the lost relationships I've screwed up this past year. But is dating really all that it's cracked up to be? Jordan and Ivan prove to me that it is. But is it for me? Maybe I just don't let myself go enough -- this issue has come up every failed, burned-out relationship I add to the pyre. I just don't allow myself to love enough. But, why? Am I truly that afraid of what others may think? I think I'm too afraid to upset or turn down anyone else who may like me at the time. I can't stand the thought that they have to move on. I can't stand the thought of them losing interest, so I have to keep it somehow. Ugh. I'm a terrible person. How could he think I'm so wonderful when I have all these horrible thoughts?
I tire of dating. I always tell myself I'd like to play the field awhile, see what happens, but that never works out. Someone comes along who I become immediately infatuated with/attached to, and we end up dating, briefly, the relationship quickly ending in disaster. Such is the plight of college relationships, though some do make it. Why have things become so forced all of a sudden? Why am I so impatient? What am I waiting for? Maybe this time I should push myself to delay pleasure for awhile and really "play the field," hoping to meet someone new who I can befriend first...Then again, I can never adhere to a strict plan. Those never work. Something always comes up and screws with my careful planning. Whatever. We'll see what happens, I suppose.
I felt like there was something better that could have been achieved, something more I could have attained. Maybe if there reached a point where we stopped fighting all the time, where we could just be; then I could allow myself to be happy with him. Maybe if there came a time when things made sense both when I was with him and when I was without him; then I could allow myself to be happy with him. I just don't know where I went wrong. I'm sure, if you asked him, he could give you a dozen reasons how and why. I just need to find someone to whom all those things I desire come naturally...Jordan's found hers. Where, oh where is mine? When will it be my turn?
And then I see a darkness.
Did you know how much I love you?
There's a hope that somehow you
Can save me from this darkness.

-- Bonnie 'Prince' Billy, "I See a Darkness"


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